


Nothing but my thoughts

by Anim3Addict



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Cancer, F/F, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Lesbian Character, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23927719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anim3Addict/pseuds/Anim3Addict
Summary: {AU} After Lucy's mum dies, she is sent to an orphanage. Her already poor mental health continues to deteriorate. Cana is her neighbor. She seems to want to help. Can Lucy let anyone in after her mum?
Relationships: Cana Alberona/Lucy Heartfilia
Kudos: 8





	Nothing but my thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for a contest but rearranged a few things for a fanfic. Lets see how it goes.

‘What’s your biggest fear?’ When people ask me this, I always say something simple, like spiders, or heights. I never tell them the truth. I never tell them that I am my own biggest fear. More specifically, my thoughts. The things that go through my head when I’m in pain, when I feel a sense of loss, when I’m alone or when I’m depressed. My thoughts are the most frightening thing I have ever experienced.

Especially when I’m depressed. I do what you’d expect. I hurt myself. I don’t do it for fun, or for attention. I do it because I have to. I do it because it’s the only way I can cope.

It started when I was about twelve. All my life, I’d never gotten along with other children. My mother had been my only friend. I didn’t really feel a sense of isolation, not until secondary school. People pointed and laughed at me for always being alone. I hated it. I went home, picked up a knife and slashed my arm. It made me feel better, but it was never enough, no matter how much I did it.

My mum died recently. Cancer. My mum was all I had. Now, I’m alone with my destructive thoughts, and plenty of ways to hurt myself. It was my worst nightmare come to life. I didn’t blame my mother. I blamed cancer that took her. In her last few days, she made me promise to try to stop hurting myself. Easier said than done. She didn’t know what I was going through, what I’m still going through, what’s going on in my head.

Have you ever thought that the world would be a better place if you weren’t in it? Well, I have. Everyday! I’m living for anyone. No one would miss me if I left.

Now I’m alone. People my age sometimes wish they didn’t have parents. Now here I am standing in front of a lit candle, my wrist hovering over the open flame. The only person that used to stop me isn’t here anymore. Nothing can stop me. Nothing except Cana.

She was my neighbor in the orphanage I was sent to after mum died. She’d walked in on me slashing my arms. She begged me to stop. She even burst into tears. I eventually did.

Since then, she’s kept an eye on me. I hurt myself less, but that only left me with more pent up frustration. Cana cares for me, I know that. But it’s not the same. Sometimes, I think about ending it all. It’s been happening more often. I stood watching Cana watch me. I moved my wrist away from the flame. I walked towards my bed and sat down. ‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. She nodded and walked away. Not before she put the flame out, though. I waited a few minutes, enough to be sure she was really gone. Then I got up and walked towards the bathroom.

I filled the bath and stepped in. It was my chance to let out all of my pent up frustration. I fully submerged. I thought about my whole life leading up to this. My head stayed below the surface. A few more seconds and my lungs would fill with water.

I thought about my mum, school, Cana. Any longer and I’d be dead. I thought about how much easier my life would be if I got along with kids my age. I started counting the seconds.

One… I’ll be with you soon mum. Two… Good-bye to this world. Three… No one’s going to miss me. Four… That’s fine because I’m not going to miss anyone either. Five… Well, no one except…

I feel my body go limp. Darkness closed in on me. My name is Lucy, and I’m pretty sure I’m dead.

* * *

Darkness. I try to see, but the only thing there is black. I try to open my eyes. They feel glued shut. I try to move my hands. I couldn’t get them up. I smell the air around me. Smoke and vanilla. My room. Or more accurate, the one the orphanage is lending me. I black out again.

When I opened my eyes, I was blinded by the lights. I tried sitting up but my arms and legs were tied to the bed. I started to thrash around.

Cana must have heard me because she came running, her long brown hair flowing behind her. Then she was beside me, her midnight blue eyes piercing mine.

“Would you stop?” she ordered.

“Why am I tied to the bed?”

“Because,” she started of steamed. Then, she deflated. “Because Peace, you’re you. I knew the moment you woke up you’d try something dumb. You’re not well enough for that.”

I calmed down. She wasn’t wrong.

“Now listen to me,” she said. “No one knows about the stunt you pulled a few days ago.” My eyes went wide. I’d been unconscious for days. Cane ignored this and went on. “And I won’t tell anyone, on one condition.”

I meet her purple eyes with my brown ones. “What’s that?”

“You have to let me take care of you.”

I thought about it for a few seconds. If I agreed to this, Cana would be on my tail twenty-four-seven. No one would know what I did. Or I could decline and let her tell on me. But I don’t think she’d do that.

“So?” she asked.

“Will you be letting me off this bed?”

“Will you do something stupid?”

“Probably,” I responded simply.

“Then no.”

“Fine! You can look after me.” The second those words left my lips, Cana’s whole face lit up.

She loosened the ropes tying me to my bed and I sat up. She sat down beside me, our shoulders touching. “Why are you doing this?” I asked

“What do you mean?” I gave her a look that said ‘don’t play dumb’

“Fine. There’s something about you. I can’t explain it. I just know I want to be around you.” As she said it, she turned away, blood rushing to her face.

I nodded and changed the subject. “Tell me about your family.”

She looked up at me and smiled. “Well, there were a lot of us. My mum and dad, my two brothers, and my two sisters. We all got along pretty well.”

“So how did you end up here?”

She hesitated. “You don’t have to tell me,” I added quickly.

“No, it’s OK. I want to. I was on a school trip when it happened. They were all going to a movie.” Her voice started breaking and there were tears in her eyes. “There was an accident and…they didn’t make it.”

I put my arm around her and she put her head on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She wiped the tears off her face. Then she looked up at me. “So tell me about your mum.”

“Well, she was the best. She was always there for me. She took care of me. She was my best friend.” I was crying. “I miss her so much. It kills me.” I was crying into her shoulder.

“It sucks, doesn’t it?” she asked, stroking my hair.

“Yeah, it does.”

No one spoke for a few minutes. Then I said, “So what were your siblings like?”

“They were incredibly annoying.” A smile crept onto her face. “They always barged into my room without knocking, my sisters always took my clothes without asking.” She sighed. “I’d give anything to see them again.” A tear ran down her face.

I wiped the tear off her cheek. “I wish I had siblings.”

“They can be so difficult sometimes, but you love them anyway,” she said looking off into space.

* * *

After that day, we were joined at the hip. We were together all the time. I didn’t really mind like I thought I would. We talked all day and night.

Some days, it was, “Tell me about your school,”

Other days, “who was your first crush?”

Cana hardly ever left my side. We slept in each other’s rooms. It was amazing. She was my first real friend. But she as more than that. She kept me distracted from the craziness in my head.

I stopped self-harming compete. Well not completely. I’d relapse every occasionally. But that only happened when Cana left me alone, which almost never happened.

I haven’t even tried to kill myself again.

I think Cana helped me more than any mental institution could have.

* * *

One day, we were sitting on my bed. I was telling Cana about my dad. She turned to look at me. “What?” I asked. That was when she kissed me, and everything clicked.

I loved her. I looked at her, took her face into my hands and kissed her. It was the most euphoric feeling imaginable. “I love you,” I whispered against her lips. “I love you too.”

I finally understood. She was my hope. She helped me face my biggest fear; my fear of living. Now she was my reason to live.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments appreciated. <3  
> I feel like I should mention that in the original short story, Cana's name was Hope. That is why It's repeated so many times. But anyway hope you liked. I'm working on another fairy tail AU. So stick around for updates. Stay safe <3


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